I have moved twice. The latest to authorgal.wordpress.com. Wordpress seems to provide a better and more user-friendly template though I haven't got the hang of it yet. Anyhow, I like it better :)

In life we learn as we fall. In life we find when we are lost. In life we treasure when we lose.

There are many things to learn from this experience. As an aspiring journalist, I prayed for rich life experiences. To learn and to realise. To err then to make correct.

Last night, under illumination of the bright city lights from out the window, Joachim asked me if I was claiming God's promises at a free cost. He asked me since I was asserting God's word in my situation, but have I been giving Him anything back in return? I think it was the best thing I'd ever heard in the last three weeks. Have I been a blessing to His Name? Have I been a Christian, His good ambassador? Did I obey Him?

The answer is obvious. I haven't.

Love has been the biggest concern in my life. I'm a hopeless romantic, a girl in search for true love. Today I know who I love and who I don't when I thought I did. Maybe at this point, I've lost all of that. I know what it feels to not feel love for anyone. It's prob how Paul feels when he said he didn't have love for anyone. In this aspect, he probably went ahead of me.

Nothing is a mistake in life. Because every mistake we make, we learn and we progress a better person. Melbourne's cold summer is an awakening call. I have loved and lost, lost and found, still I'm back to ground zero. I have to learn to love myself and love God all over again.

I have to remind myself - whatever he's doing is just a ploy. Just crocodile tears, just mental manipulation. I must not waver. I must not grovel again. Done too much of it, plus it's not my fault. He's unstable and insecure about himself. He and that girl - they brought this upon themselves and even if they did get together at the end, it would not have a happy ending because already they'd started on a bad patch.

I must not trust him again. I must not find security in him again. The world is bigger than he is. Much more to explore and much more to learn about. My life should not end at him. It should go on to greater insights and realising dreams. Life is full of abundance and I am capable of it.

We need to separate. But looking at him like this makes me take a step back and want to spend some time with him. Just to nurse his wound as much as possible until he's well enough to stand up on his own before I move on to explore my world.

It's cold today. I think Autumn has arrived in Victoria.

Totally unexpected but Melbourne's summer is cold. So I got off the plane and felt the biting wind seep through my thin summer top and I began to dread looking through the clothes I'd selected for this trip. None of them halter or tank tops will keep me warm enough.

I had landed in Avalon on Jetstar - the country of Victoria where the arrival hall was a portacabin in the middle of a sparse farmland with grazing sheeps. So I hoped on a shuttle bus that ran directly to the city. The feeling is far from what I'd anticipated. Wasn't so much of a great sense of independance thrill and shit, but rather I felt lost and homesick. Miss Darren and the rest.Their home and everything in Brisbane.

In fact I started to regret it right from the beginning. This trip was turning out to be worse than I'd thought. Then Joachim met me at the bus station and we headed down to Mekong. But my favourite dish ain't such a favourite anymore. I realised there were just too many fancy restaurants with extraordinary menus that I've begun to swirl in an overwhelming sense. It's just crazy. The world is too big.

Joachim is busy with this club thing he's running so I'm expecting to be left alone most of the time. Just booked my flight back to brisbane and will return on wed night. P has offered a lift from the airport, hurrah!

Well, we're just friends now.Which is a good thing I guess. Better than whatever we were the past three weeks. It's nice to return to normality once in a while. Although we're not one anymore, but at least we still bookmark each other in our lives. Then the separation wouldn't be so painful. But I must remember to draw the line. It's so easy to be tempted to snap into my over deeming ways.

I just pray that everything'll work out fine. Whatever the outcome may be. It's cold and I'm tired. Tonight I'll have to sleep alone.

Brisbane is lovely. The River, the shopping malls, the nice Singaporeans, etc. Didn't think I'd last this long here but I did and the funny thing is that I'm actually feeling quite reluctant about leaving on Monday.

A part of me still lingers and hope for his return. Alas I know the cut's been too deep that even if he did, things would never be the same. The most important thing between a couple, I learned from this trauma, is not communication but complete honesty. And when I mean 'complete', I mean absolute transparency.

P used to lament that I brought up the past too much. I'd always thought it was something I had to change within myself. Alas it wasn't that I wasn't forgiving enough, just that my instincts were always right - he had too many hidden skeletons in his closet. As I thought about our courtship days, our marriage and all the time we'd spent together, I begun to realise that it ain't as perfect as I'd always hoped it to be. That perhaps God really has my perfect Prince Charming out there for me.

I'd always thought P to be lacking in certain areas that I'd deemed important - romantic, patient, expressive, and more considerate. But he was self-absorbed half the time. It was always about him, how he felt, and how he'd like things done the way he did. Nonetheless he had virtues that I loved about - affectionate, self-confident and very adorable. And for those, I will remember him forever.

I still pray that he will come back to me yet a bigger part of me feels betrayed and faithless. No faith in him and his family. Everything has come to a pass. The nightmare is slowly settling down to reality and I am learning to forgive him. I'd not have to worry about his guilt because I think he'd feel guilty either way. I'm sure if he still has a conscience that he'd always feel restless and soon his harvest will reach him. I'm absolutely waiting for his downfall and I think all those who's been catching up on this LJ should too.

Darren has a really fun housemate and I'm starting to be rather fond of him. He's invited me to Fraser Island next weekend so I could round back my trip from Melb and go on a 4WD spinning weekend and hopefully get some sparks flying. It's not gonna go anywhere in fact I'm just making myself fall for him so I'd be distracted from pining too much for P and realise that the world is not too bad a place as well.

Shopping keeps me sane in the day and I'm glad to have let myself go the last few days. With a smaller tummy now fancy clothes look better on me and it's helping with my self-confidence. I need to regain myself and my universe again.

At the end of it, I still miss P. But maybe letting him go would be the best thing I could ever do for myself.

Ok, guitar jamming session now!

I swear Addy is still around. Lurking around somewhere with P behind my back. She's the reason why my marriage is in tatters and the reason that's causing P to lose his mind.

Paul is a fish turned bad and no one I know thinks I should even be waiting the way I am doing. But there's nothing else I can do besides just that. I've lost all respect for his family and his self. Only that our love hangs on a thin thread of hope that maybe someday, just someday, he'd look back and remember me.

Joachim says I have officially one sad story to tell. But I wish the characters inside is not me.

No marriage is a mistake. And no one, not even the parents of the couple have the right to say that. My marriage with P is never a mistake. I married him because I knew he was 100% devoted and we had been happy and will be just as happy in the future. We had dreams of our new home, kids, and living our old age together wheeling each other around QUT campus. But all these have become yesteryear's story. I not only have a sad story, but a love story to tell.

It is a love that will go on forever.

This morning our struggle came to an end. It's over. The marriage is over. He doesn't want it anymore. And I'm tired. Tired of begging to no avail. Tired of not being convinced that we just 'died' like that. I'm not satisfied. But I've lost. Lost a terrible defeat.

I have the greatest parents in the world. Mum brought me to the polyclinic and we sat there for two hours while waiting for our turn, discussing of the event that happened. Paul is a different person now. He's changed. He's lost it. I should not be made to suffer. I'd have to stand up.

After a nice lunch with Dad at Jack's Place, we went to IMH. I had to see a psychiatrist. The GP at the polyclinic has diagnosed me with depression. I'd have to seek help if I didn't want to lose myself. The patients there were scary. Twitching necks, ultra skinny bodies, slurred speech, uncontrollable belching, startled expressions, you name it all. And I felt so normal being around and everyone was looking and wondering.

My consultant was as young as I was. I related the events to her slowly and her eyes turned a little red. She looked at me and asked me how I felt and what the plan was. I said the plan was that the marriage will be dissolved and he'd be returning without me. That's the plan. I also told her how I'd hit him, pressed on him, and hit and cut myself out of sheer helplessness and frustration. She arranged for me to undergo psychotheraphy two weeks later. Meanwhile, I'd have anti-depressant pills to tide me through.

Mum was an absolute gem. Sat through six hours with me in the waiting room. I don't think it'll be any easier without them. In fact I think they made the difference. They made me think twice about ending my life.

I asked Mum if I'd be this depressed when Grandma died. My grandma was the most precious to me as a child. She said we all got by after a while because we stood as a family. Mum also said she and Dad had never felt so sad in their whole life. It hurts me to see my parents weep and for the last three weeks, they've been.

It's easier if I'd learn to hate him. But a part of me still long for him so bad that I wish I'd never wake up from this and just continue waiting till he returns. Now I wish I'd given up earlier. I wish I'd stayed with him through it all.

After all that we've been through, what can an apology do? After a marriage and a betrayal of trust, love, respect, is an apology sufficient? After all that I've done to salvage this, can it all be resolved just by saying 'i'm sorry'?

I can't quite comprehend everything yet. But the mule in me is still holding me up. Sanity is what I need now - as Jas says. I'm lapsing into mild depression. And I mean the real mental illness that kills appetite, sleep, and enjoying usual favourite activities and not just being in a state of feeling dejected all the time just so to get attention. I say this because I remember being in an all-girls school and some of those bitches are always coming in with PMS while declaring they are in depression.

And I think P's not any better. If any, he's worse I think. It's a good thing he's gonna see a psyche, becos I think he needs special attention - more so than I do.

My problem is I keep repeating the same tragic episode over and over. Thank God for great friends and family members who have great patience. It's something I ought to learn and adopt. Patience - what Paul needs from me now.

I have a huge burst of energy within me. An aggressive spur to want to win him back at all cost. Nonetheless he is adamant with his decision. He wants to run. Wants to avoid the commitment. If marrying me is the greatest mistake of his life, then knowing him is the greatest mistake of mine.

I asked him if he'd like to be 'sex buddies' and he became a bit normal and was back to his usual self again. I think this is the catch I have on him. I know Paul. He's too self conscious and innocent to fool around. He's most comfortable with me. So am I with him.

This trip to Singapore is turning to be quite a nightmare for him. I cannot absolve any part in this. I think that morning when I first set eyes on him that he'd already lapsed into depression. Only all the fuss that I made just accentuated the effect and finally, he's at this stage of instability and self-denial.

Paul paul. My darling Paul. A social butterfly, people lover, Mr Nice Guy has turned into a reclusive, quiet person who constantly needs "time alone". That's prob what Depression does to a person. It's changes a person completely!

Oh my, he's so not him. Which dawns on me that I should not take anything that he says seriously. Yet I'm still vulnerable. I still have unfulfilled dreams and I think I've wasted too much time. Maybe moving on is a good idea. I want to be able to allow him space to rethink about us, yet at the same time too disheartened and reluctant to go through yet anor disappointment like that. I realised I can't take break-up any easy. Thing is I love and treasure the people around me too much that it hurts to see them leave me, even for a day. But perhaps, Paul really needs the break. And so do I.

Our love started off fierce and passionate. A fairytale romance - that's what it is. I was all ready to chuck aside everything that I'd always wanted to do. But now that all dreams and hopes have been shattered, I find myself back on Point Zero with new options and choices.

I'm not giving up Paul. Because I know someday he will return when he is fully recovered. But perhaps this is the opportunity for me to do things that I'd never dared do while he was right beside me. Now I feel alone, and raring with energy and dreams.

I've decided to venture out of Singapore again. Maybe a new environment will nurse the wound while at the same time provide some directional signs.

Paul, I will always love and remember you. When you need me, you know where to get me. Don't take too long and come back soon. I love you.

Something is terribly wrong somewhere and I refuse to believe P is his usual self.